This week, a poem by Precious Okoyomon.

 

It’s Dissociating Season

 

I’m walking around Harlem and a little stoned and weepy.  Feeling a little light blue maybe yellow this is my problem getting off on colors it’s all boring.    i  decide to eat some mushrooms just a couple caps trying to organize my mind patterns shifting around wave to wave – spasms of fantasy

 

Magic lifts my hair – that’s just the wind – that’s just the weed

 

   My aimlessness is agreeable

i am but a gentle Thot floating in the wind beaming

        Shamelessly happy I drift into  a dreaminess

 

    Everything i feel is hot and wet

                                                              

 

i’m at Sam’s eating cupcakes sitting in loop of endless mirrors

 

naked bby bratz dolls holding tiny dicks

                                                                           cream in my mouth

 

The light bounces off the walls soft pink / making the green  world stop

 

My body drowning  itself in the habit of the dream

Then Rachel tells me how to deal with trauma in recklessly graceful ways

 

Fluttering realities of dust – destroy memory functions in order to survive

 

    My lover is texting me wondering where i am  #worried

I’m . Getting. Tired . Of . My . Shit.

 

 I’m a superficial bitch  # selfish

    

    

I’m throwing my wig away in sam’s bathroom

first in the urinal // then in the sink  

i leave it in the trash

 

When i was a child – I used to strip down and beat myself with a stick

An excess of desire – traumatized spasms of my fantasy  

 

Then i’m calling my lover

i’m late. i’m always late

          I’m. Getting. Tired. Of. My. Shit.

    

God doesn’t strike people down like he use 2 …  dam i miss the old God

 

This poverty is perfect

what i love now is what’s barely there

 

Then Patricia is  next to me on the couch talking me down from my trip rubbing my back

Reduce the living body

 

Then Taylor and I r snorting coke off the toilet at Bossa

 

Everything i like is 99% wrong

 

 Everything i am is 99% wrong

Then Ryder is playing Three 6 mafia and he’s wondering who can really say Nigga

Nobody  not with this weight

 

Then my lover is calling me

Then my lover is worried

Then my phone is dead

The sensation of constantly being unsettled

 

   I’m always trying to only feel good

#onlygoodvibes  #blessed #sage

 

Then i’m drinking a shitty martini with Ben

I miss my wig  

 my whole life a summer day

gin martinis no cherries no ice

No problems

 

Then Rin buys me whiskey

 

Then Ariel and is giving me their book and i’m blushing.

Then i’m feeling lustful.

 

Then i’m in bed with Hannah legs tangled bodies without origins

I awake horrified at the choices i have made

 

Lol

 

Forgive me father for I have sinned.

                                               it’s been two weeks?

Um – Since my last confession.

                                    I lied in my last confession, I have dishonored my mother and father, um

I have um – hurt people that I care about.

 

Then Taylor is rolling us a spliff

Then i’m high – I’m always stoned –  extremes of pleasure-  this void of endless animation

 

I don’t know how to drop repetitions

Dismembered body    

I find myself repeating

I’m not myself today

I’m mixing up my identities

 

a revolt I am no longer a body

 

Ego leaks onto the street / shed light on humiliation

 

Then i’m lost

Then my mom is lending me money

I’m no good at taking care of myself

 

Temptation /a new poison /blur the lines of intoxication

 

   I’m no good at feeling bad

 

– Oh God, have mercy on me, your daughter, a sinner.

 

If u touch it it’s yours

These are bonds

One thing next to another doesn’t mean they touch

 

An unseen shape rotating and twisting

Touching something lightly

Display dramatic expression

 

Then Sam is reminding me cuteness is its own violence     

 

The colors that evolve

My goodness is insulting

 

Idk what life is

I want everyone to drown in my teenage dream

Blah blah blah

We are but young as the night

Of a bloody nose on  tuesday

 

Then i’m at the reading and Darcy is asking me if i’m okay

  Molly is handing me a coffee – black

Ben is giving me reassuring looks

 I feel like my body will give out if I don’t smoke a joint

By the time I see your face

I’m the only Jesus in the room

 

 

Then we’re fighting and ur walking away from me.

 

Broken black bodies r really in right now

 

  It’s a bummer nobody gets crucified anymore

 

I mean I’m trying

I want to care about art but I only care about people

 

Then Rachel is giving me a kpin  

To stop the spasms  

They fall in the Uber  

I lower myself to the ground  brush the pills into my hand and get high

Life is hard and I’m sorry

I’m sobbing & I can’t remember why now

being an person is hard and stupid

I suffer from that

Everything is embarrassing

 Ugh this is getting out of hand

I can’t say no so don’t ask me

 

                            Fleshy animal

nothing is pure, invert yourself

——

PRECIOUS OKOYOMON is the author of Ajebota (Bottlecap Press 2016). She’s just a little lamb trying to figure this shit out. http://preciousokoyomon.com/



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